I'm Tired

Yesterday and today I have felt unusually tired, that tiredness that sleep doesn't conquer. Tears have come to the surface today. It seems I can cry all I want when I'm alone. Sometimes being alone is good.

Life Goes On

I'm snuggled up in my little sanctuary, 1 pm on a Saturday afternoon. Funny how one can live in a 3000 sq foot house and have one little dimension of a 6x8 square foot sanctuary known as a bed. Not much to see but I can hear the sounds of life going on outside. The most notable of Saturday afternoon sounds is the lawn mower. It seems to encompass all other sounds; it drowns out the sounds of car washing, pulling weeds, picking the last of the summer flowers. (It cannot, however, overpower the leaf blower...perhaps more on that another day.)

Hearing the sounds of a neighbor's mower brought this to mind: that no matter what is going on in our own boundaries of experience, life goes on. One doesn't have to move too far outside our personal perimeters that we begin to realize that community is nice to think about, wonderful to experience that "sense" of community but it is without a doubt, fleeting. It seems that whenever we experience tragedy or heartbreak or disappointment (for most of us), the pain will eventually lessen and we find within ourselves that realization that life goes on. People continue their Saturday afternoon lawn-mowing chores. I wouldn't want it to be any other way.

I wish I knew how ...

...to ease the pain of my loved ones. They feel it, surely. I see it on their faces and hear it in their voices and the crackling of their words. I wish I had the words to comfort them through their hidden tears.

A Glimpse of God's Tapestry

I'm outta here in about 30 minutes but wanted to write a quick post. Yesterday was a bit of a tapestry of my life, a glimpse of all the colors and textures of my life. My wonderful "church friends", Lynda and Sandy came by to get some details about starting up the food brigade, the absolutely wonderful church tradition of taking care of its flock. Perhaps this tradition goes beyond church walls but certainly cannot come close to the intimacy of sharing supper in difficult times. We talked little about what they came for -- isn't that always the best conversation? It's strange how we tend to get together for a reason: lunch, returning something we have borrowed, borrowing something we need -- when what we really desire is simply to be together and laugh. It's funny, don't you think, that we put those desires of companionship on a shelf waiting for .....

My mid-day visit was from my college roommate, Jackie. I've written about Jackie once before. I think of all that has happened in our lives since the early 1970s at Longwood College, a girl's only school in eastern Virginia. Our lives in the mid-hippie days when only a year prior to our entrance only dresses were allowed in the dress code. I will never forget the "cattle auctions" when guys would road trip down from U of Richmond or Randolph Macon or UVA. I hated those things. More humiliating than being the last-picked on the co-ed ball team in elementary school. I don't know where I'm heading with this! But our two lives were molded together at that one point in our lives and then un-molded and each became something new and different to fit the time slot we were in.

My evening visit was from Roy. Roy and I go back to the late 1990s and early 2000s when we taught together at Carolina Christian School. This guy's a hoot! We reminisced about those times as well, spending much of the time comparing our Facebook knowledge, interweaving joy, laughter and concern for former students. We were in some sense molded together at one point in our lives and then un-molded and each became something new and different to fit the time slot we were in. Man, how life changes. It changes whether we want it to or not.

You know this, I'm sure...about those pinpoint times in our lives when the day is perfect, the weather is perfect, the people we are with are perfect, the food and the wine are pefect, the rain show delivered just enough rain to make a rainbow but not enough to spoil the picnic. We treasure those days because those days are so rare. Those are our glimpses into God's perfect world in heaven. He gives us those images so we have assurance of His ever-present awesomeness and magnificence.

One of the things that divides Christians into different denominations is the idea of who is in control. Am I in control of my life through the decisions I make or is God ultimately in control?I'm afraid I am not of the calibre to make this decision for all men in all of time, but I can state unequivicably that I believe in the sovereignty of God. I don't know how long it has been that bit of John Calvin's theology has been centered in my life, certainly not life-long. It's become more and more real to me as I have given up more and more of myself to Him. At some point I reached that decision and ever since I have grown more and more sure of it. And today, August 1, 2009, I am totally convinced of it.

The Other Shoe Has Dropped

Yep, just what I've been waiting for these last seven months. I knew what was going on when it happened. I wasn't surprised and like every other day, Jesus was right there beside me. I woke up Thursday morning with a pain in my side and a pain in my shoulder and shortness of breath. I didn't rush to call the doctor Thursday (I'm not an alarmist you know!), but I did rush to call her Friday...9:00 a.m.....on the dot. She could see me at 11:40.

I was there at 11:37. The layperson's (that's me) interpretation: the inflamed liver is pushing on the diaphragm which in turn is causing shortness of breath and pain in my shoulder. Simple enough. I like that. No secret messages hidden in those words. The only option she gave is whether I wanted palliative care (pain control while continuing my bone-stabilizing medicine) or hospice (all treatment is stopped except pain control). I voted for the palliative care. I will meet with them this week.

I have been taking 10mg oxycontin for several months and that had taken care of whatever bone pain I've had. The dr. told me to double up to the 20mg. Let me tell you, the pain is--well, a pain! That hip that had been bothering me for months? I don't feel a bit of that anymore. But boy I do feel the liver pain. You've heard the story: the way to get rid of the pain in your foot is to slam the hammer down on your finger. Amen, brother! It's true!

I want all of you to understand something -- I want to make this ultimately clear for each of you. To those who say that I'm a "trooper," "an inspiration," "a winner," and many other wonderfully kind words that describe my association with THE BIG C, there has been nothing said any sweeter than this: "you are truly a testament to God's Divine Grace." His grace is real and if you have not experienced it, ask Him to show it to you. Life will never be the same.

Yes...I'm Still Alive!

For those who are not in touch with me regularly, the fact that I have not posted since May may indicate 1) that I'm doing well and spend my days lavishing at the spa and eating chocolate bon-bons (I actually like Breyer's chocolate or Klondike bars) or 2) I've passed. Let me assure you that I have not passed. I have been feeling amazingly well since my "terminal" prognosis in January.

This past week has been a bit of a strain on my energy. I was so tired yesterday that I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. I remember during my days of chemo feeling like that -- totally wiped out but not really being able to sleep. "Only time will tell," they say. I finally took the step to look up hospice on the Internet and read a bit. I e-mailed my brother to see if he wanted to be the keeper of years of genealogical research I've done on numerous family lines. I was resigned to it yesterday.

I'm blessed that my son hangs around enough to have a few chats. We laughed yesterday about taking him as a young lad to buy shoes. It always seemed to be a no-winner for both of us, as I recall. "No, you can't get those; they aren't on sale." "How do those feel?" "They're fine, mom." "You sure?" "Yes." I don't know how many pairs we bought but had to return because "these don't feel right." I asked him yesterday why buying shoes had to be such a big deal. With his wonderful grin that I love so much, he told me it was "the pressure." Ha!

Ed (Edward to me, of course) is wrapping up his summer internship with the U. S. Forest Service. Those of you who are parents know exactly what I'm talking about when I say how blessed I am to be able to see him in his element...doing something he enjoys so much...fitting into this new environment with ease and confidence. I know parents who have not had that joy with their child/ren. It's a very nice place to be. Thank you, Lord for this child.

Death is Not Dying

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've posted.  I've even had a couple of folks writing to ask if I'm okay.  Thankfully, all is going well.  I have thought about writing on numerous occasions, but I seem to wait until something of worth comes up.  J. I. Packer, a well-regarded theologian, wrote in Knowing God:  "If we postpone our journey till the storm dies down, we may never get started at all."  In my case, I seem to be waiting for the storm so I will have something interesting to say. That doesn't fit.

A friend sent me a link to a web site that mirrors all that I would like to say to you but haven't the words.  If you desire to know the thought processes and the roller coaster ride of one battling cancer, I invite you to listen and watch Rachel Barkley at http://deathisnotdying.com/.

You made need a tissue or two, as I did.  You will definitely need time (an hour or so).  The blessing will be immense.  Take time, as well, to explore the entire site.  If you want to read her blog, start at the bottom and work your way up to her latest posting.  

As I was listening to her on video, I imagined myself there, I imagined it was my voice speaking. Our journeys are frightingly similar. She states it wonderfully and courageously.